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04/17/2005: "1 Year of Blog!"

Hey everyone! It's been a year since I started this blog thing. Isn't that spectacular!?! So, in celebration of this quite unexpected event, an entire year's worth of F*R*A*G'S!

F*R*A*G:

Putting racing stripes on cats since 1989.

Making the rediculous... diculous for eleven years.

Making the world a better place, one bitch-slap at a time.

Dr. Manga makes the world taste LIKE HUGE EYES.

When the left half of your brain looks at the right half and says, "It's dark in here. We may die."

It is dangerous to stand here.

Art meets enginering in the parking lot and shit blows up.

We need your urine, so we can be cure'in'.

Putting needless engines in weapons for a while now...

Treating Whitey Ford and Enimem like Looney Tunes characters becasue they're white boys who can rap.

Making sure that "military inteligence" remains an oxymoron.

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Making sure that the human beatboxes live on to provide the soundtrack for haki-sack circles.

Ensuring that Canada is really big.

Perfecting a form of therapy like shock-therapy, but replacing the shocks with BITCHSLAPS!

In real life, we discover there aren't overhead views, or gravity. Thus old people float

"[Errrn!] Ok, you each get a thousand points. Let's move on to a game called..."

...and "smuckaluckavich" which means "you could make it into a truck!"

Dangerous because the R key doesnt always work...

Because cool is all about leather sleaves.

Learning how to pernounce Wussant.

When your mother makes a burn on you about your love life, it's time to kill yourself. Now excuse me whilst I go commit sepukku.

Cocky on Christ.

Don't flip a shit! ...Heh...Flip a shit... Love that line...

Insert key? INSERT KEY? We don't need no STINKIN INSERT KEY!

I would make a joke about that, BUT I'M NOT THAT FUNNY!!!

Wait a minute... That grizly bear was dancing with those pengins!!!

Donnie the retard/had a watermellon head./He was four foot three/and he said to me/I LIKE TATTER TOTS HAAAAaAAaa...

When you put youre peas and carrots in the microwave, and they go ON FIRE, go back to bed. The day will not go up from there.

My name is Tex, I'm like a hex, and my playground is the world.

"Simmons...We're getting another one of those 'Aw blah es span yole' sounds from the space feed."

Because I got high...LLLAAAAAAAAAAAaaa dat dah dah da da daaa.......

It's the best thing since Jerry Seinfeld!

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. GAH DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was undecided for a while, but now I'm not sure...

"Hey, I was thinking..." "So that's what I smelt burning..."

Walk like an Egyptian...Eeewww...not like that...

Great, a pointy eared midget with the persoality of a blender.

"Who's your leading body? ::scribbles:: ab-so-loute-ly no-one. What's their number? ::scribles:: 1-800-bite-me. ::slams down phone::"

"...So naturally the fabric of time-space will be weakest wherever "Friends" is being aired." "So pretty much all the time, then." "Supprisingly enough, no. The vibes from various reality TV shows cause complex interference patterns..."

We need to rehabilitate Phil. In the face.

That answering machenie Vs. phone noise is really the audible noise of the tuning spork, that weapon of mass destruction and...tuning...

Pluto is a planet.

That's easy. The real trick is pulling a hat out of a rabbit.

This is meerly a chronicle of successes and a minor notation of defeats.

You don't understand my friend, I AM the GRAVY MASTER.

Like M*A*S*H, but more meaningful to me, and will have more episodes!

"Go to weather.com, ya' jackass."

We all agree, it's your brain that's wrong with you.

And then I'll be in hell, because that's where you count your "That's where I keep my vagina" T-shirt money.

"What are you DOING!?!?" "Performance art! ::fires multiple shots into the air::"

Brought to you by raging geeks and neds planet wide.

Just to set the record straight, robots are NOT a waste of time.

I AM SO FUCKING ZEN RIGHT NOW!

That could be a problem, but we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

A yo-yo or a GBA. Hmmm...It's not quite black Vs. white, but it's getting closer.

The real imitation of a cheap thing.

I'm sorry, I left my name in the car.

It's a DRIVE-BY STAND-OFF!

A Vespa gang with katanas!

"If you hate your job, you don't quit! You just go in there everyday and do it really half assed!"

Man, all this nostalgia really takes me back...

Please welcome, this douchebag, and the twriling fartknockers!

heh heh heh... "Ass-key" text. That's "sooooooo" funny.

I like the high ceilings...and Max Headroom would be a really great name to use...WHAT DO YOU MEAN AN OLD SHOW ALLREADY USE IT!?!?!

Maximum security broom closets.

Damn right I'm a ninja duck! ...er...Ninja mallard...Close enough.

Clicky-Clicky!!!!!!!!!!!

Zombie
Thou canst not kill that which doth not live. But you can blast it
into chunky kibbles.

Nailgun
A two-barrel dingus that prickles bad guys with armor-piercing darts,
technically termed "nails".

Here are our demands: Send Wang back to Japan. UPS is cheepest.

As the human cannonball loaded himself into the cannon, he realized that there were no other men of his caliber...

Polo is golf on horse back with no holes. I'd mention water polo, but that's cruel to the horses.

"Where are your clothes?" "...Damn! Those moth bastards are tricky!"

I'm Bass, and this is my trusty dog, Treble [high toned barking]

How long can I go before I begin to repeat these?

[[Makes suctioney like noises with cheeks for a while]]

Police headquaters? FUCKIN' GONUTS!

LCom hates you all. Espically that Nick Korn mother fucker.

Sometimes, the only difference betwen genders is the bow.

...Por when you want to be shitfaced while riding a burro through midday traffic.

There should be three levels to the national security system: Holy shit. Godamnit. FUCK ME.

Somebody get some SAUCE HERE NOW!!! Com'on! SHE WANTS IT HER WAY!!!!!!

It's a prime example of flaming turd is all I'm saying.

Fairy God-Bitch VS. Fairy God-MoFo: Ghetto fairy knife fight of the millenium!

Mayonayse taco monday, smells like underwear!
Mayonayse taco monday, there's something over there.
Mayonayse taco monday, you put it on the dog!
Mayonayse taco monday, it tastes kind of like log.

Planetarium: Uranus will love our seats!

Backwards completion principle? Isn't that the same shit they pulled in that damned Superman movie?

I can be the cute one! ::Car explodes in laughter, as do all people in proximity:: ...Fuck you guys.

We digest all that happens, and give you steaming turds of wisdom.

Don't worry if something goes wrong R2D2 is in there to fix stuff, along with a shark.

"Is it me or do I smell? I showered the other day, what the hell?"

"Poor, poor, Sean Connery's penis..."

It's a bit hot for a ski-mask, isn't it?

I know you want more monster truck.

DO NOT HARM THE BUNNY!!!!

Let's smash the evil emperor DARK APPLEPOLISHER right in the balls!

And now, to invent the cat-a-pult...

The church should try printing up some "JESUS KICKS ASS!" bumper stickers. Might just work.

"Take that subspace!" "Shut up." "No."

"Give me some of those asprin." "Those aren't asprin...they're ruffies." "Oh, well, just give me some more."

I... Am... The GRAVY MASTER!!! ::Lightning strikes, meniacal lighting, fear amoung masses::

Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made!

Good news everyone! I've taught the toaster how to feel love.

All for one, and NONE FOR YOUUUUUUUUU!

Messed in the head and better off dead.

NO! Not the puppy dog orphanage and ice cream factory!!! You monster!!!!!!!!

I broke the glass, but I'm still on fire. Huh...

DAMN YOU SIGMUND FRUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, there's only one thing left to do then: reboot with your pants down.

The five minute rule: If a body's been on the floor for more then five minutes, it's alright to eat the brains out of it.

One word: Wangtang.

Smells like the inside of a fake leg.

NO!!! WHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scratch once, sniff twice.

I know I saw the friggen chopter explode.

HA HA! And this time I didn't even glue my fingers together!

And that's what would happen if we tried to do D&D.

The DooM comic. 'Nuff said.

WE HONOR YOUR CAR.

In his younger days, Black Mage liked to spend his time in Tijawauna.

Add more bacon and cheese to that ChickenSteak sandwich thing. It's a heart attack on a roll!

We only had 8-bits back then, and we used every single mother-fucking one of them!

Be warry folks: the TECHIE PIN~ATA is on it's way!

Asshat DOES NOT work the same way as shotgun, damnit!

It's the frag tube all over again...

My phone goes fizz. It's a fizz-phone.

I figured out the key...SMASH INTO THE CARS!!!!!!!!!!

Putting a silencer on a handcannon really doesn't work.

Rule of thumb is for the fist to stop at his face, but we can take it a few feet further.

My Pop-Tart is bleeding

I got a dime for two nipples.

The young mesiah shall derive much enjoyment from this: A playstation 2...

Alpha strike sometimes means "blow yourself the fuck up".

EGAD! a basetone denotes a bad age!

And this peice is called "Eveybody can kiss my ass".

Warning: Selected F*R*A*G is too large. Dumping...

I thought we agreed to stop encouraging him?

(If you see me speak, but don't hear me, it's because I'm in paranthesis[esesesessss...]).

"It was horrible...we burried phil the other day..." "Oh, Phil died?" "No, we burried him alive. That's what's so horrible."

[shink!] What's with the knife? Are we having cake?"

I think it was two ninjas ducttaped together to make a BIGGER ninja!!!

Send a letter in the mail - in Braile - to Johnny Quest: SEND ME BACK MY ETCH-A-SKETCH!

Look! It's a house pissing on another house!

Johnny Quest, he thinks we're WHAT!?! *sellouts!* ...Oh...

This F*R*A*G is a refrence/dedication to Johnny Quest as well.

Daddy sing bass.

IT'S PEOPLE!!! The Mediteranian Wrap is people!!!!!!!!!!!!...No wait, maybe it's babbaganeush...

It's Labor Day and my grandpa just ate seven fucking hotdogs!

Dear god, it's Big Boss, and he's brought both the noise and the funk! RETREAT!!!!!!

No meticulus studying crap. Just punch people. In the face.

I know people in the mafia.

Do ya mind? I'm trying to kill somebody here.

Decidedly not the last F*R*A*G ever!

here's to your bean snapin mother and your dead ass brothers.

Yeah, but at least I'm on fire!

Deathray. That's right, deathray.

...Just leaves them crispy and smelling like Jimmy Dean and I'm really fucking hungry.

Jay Leno [splatter]

Dude! That mailbox is pissed!

Yeah...he kept talking not-english at me and pissing me off like that, so I shoved him in a rock. Him and his nice weed.

RACECAR!!!

"Nap time comes BEFORE pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!"

Heeeeyyyy...this shotgun has a deathray mod built in! Can you say deathray? DEATHRAY! ::kilo-zap::

Well, you shot the guy with the bomb in his chest with a rocket, and you blew the crap out of the present.

Fighting the urge to sneeze and fart at the same time.

When life closes a door, it opens a window for you to jump out of.

I live in a house with a front door AND a back door!

I didn't do anything, but MY ASS covered 40 miles a day.

"Wait! You don't know what you're doing!" "...That's never stoped me before."

In a related note, Jesus has quit.

Enforce the day: BUY A SHIRT!

There's no I in team. There's no U either. I'm not on the team, you're not on the team, no one's on the goddamn team. The team fucking sucks.

Let's make the worlds largest finger painting. It will blow their minds.

"It is my professional opinion that you should start drinking."

Let's visit the HELL outta that zoo!

Get ready for the sequel this summer "The Passion 2: Judgement day". ...Not the movie...

Oh, ya see? YA SEE? NOW you owe me $20. See how that happend? Now try and keep up...

It's not that we're going to use guns to shot bears, it's that we're gonna shoot bears who are in possession of guns themselves.

Flood your eyeballs and overload your earballs.

I'm only guessing this text is right. I'M BLINDED BY LUDDITISESMSMSs....that's not a word anymore...

Well, the stero was in the basement, and I was on the second floor. And as my soda did that Jurassic Park thing to the baseline, all I could think was, "That can NOT be good for the walls."

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

There is a point where the idea of the game goes from "Destroy the enemy while taking as little damage as possible" to "You will not survive this".

I'd quote a revalvant song by Blink-182, but I don't want to curse on the holidays.

Alcohol, suicide, and insanity stuck together rather well, and that's good leadership!

Everyone say hello to Rilk. ::everyone welcomes Rilk by shooting him in the head::

Go back to Flordia Asshat... *click*

Hey storm cloud, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!

"...What are you doing?" "I'm...in a box. I was looking at it, then I got the urge to go inside it. Then when I was in it, I was at peace. Like I was destened to be in it. Does any of this make sence?" "Not at all, no."

"I'm sure my students will bare me out!" "Sure, we bare you out!" ::they pick him up and carry him out of the class room::

Yes, well, I put the speakers right next to my head so that the sound is just like "BAM" right here, you know?

THEY CALL ME RUMMMY!!!!

Oh my god! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!

The cat's lookin' funny. Not in the sense that he is observing an object in a percuilar fashion, so much as that his appearance is humorus to me.

I'd say my sock has a hole in it, but fact is that the hole has taken over the majority of the sock.

What is it with you and talking ducks?

Coming up with more and more ways to think of the words "solemny swear".

If you don't laugh at farting, you are DISRESPECTING THE LORD!

Making all the gumdrops gooey.

I'm comming Out OF THE BBOOOOOTTHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::booth explodes:: ...OWW!!!

Preccious bodily fluids.

Do ya ever get that feeling of IMPENDING DOOM?

"No, Jimmy, we told you. You can't be a Nightrider of Doom." "Awww shucks. First you won't lemmie play stickball with you guys, and now this..."

An excerpt from "Kiss My Asana":
You have an internal wisdom granted by the universe, and it is your duty to share that knowledge with the world. Undo your organic cotton, unbleached yoga pants, and drop them around your ankles. Bend at the waist and direct your posterior towards the masses. That'll learn them.

Earth Science: Rocks!

Awww...I wanna be an unstopable juagernaut too...

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I said "Mis pantalones son muy importantes."

Well now...that explains a lot...

Dramatic, ain't it?

If I was one of the seven dwarves, I WOULD BE KICK ASS DWARF!

And it was at this point I realized that I just superglued the pen to my finger. So I opened my hand, and indeed it hung there, suspended from the tip of my finger. I needed to leave the room suddenly...

A dramatic and beautiful display of sheer pain.

Quoth:

There is no pony: and what's your style
There is no pony: ?
Xseption2Drules: "I'VE COME TO KILL YOU DRAMATICALLY IN A DARK ALLEYWAY!!!"

Unquoth.

Well...yah, but nah...

It wasn't until later that I learned that tendencious was a polite way of saying "Full of shit."

And brand new HELMET(tm) comes with a fruh muhh muh muhh, muhm uhmh muhmhuhm, humm, and a removable faceplate!

The word of the day is "Clusterfuck".

Positive thinking: "Daddy beats me, but look how tough I'm getting!"

"Thank you Nick! You did a wonderful job!" "Thank you- CAN I RUN AWAY NOW?!?!?"

...Just like Grandma.

I, State Your Name, whole heartedly belive, that it is not, in any way, butter.

In the business, we call that "getting fucked in the ass".

I'm DEAD, BITCH!

No, no. You were mean. Now you don't get to come to happy land. Maybe you'll learn next time.

No, YOU'RE UNTITLED.

Avast! The Monkey is deceptively hard to control!

Yeh...that's what the cops said too...

Ah yes Easter... the day we celebrate Jesus comming back from the dead as a rabbit who hides colorful eggs!

OMFG you don't kill CLOWN! CLOWN kills you!

creating helmets out of turtles since the days of yore.

In time, I won't need to come in to work at all!

Better if I wrote them down first.

4+4 is... A) 7 B) SHUT UP PIG!!!!! C) I wish to invade Poland, or D) 4!!

And the final F*R*A*G for the year:

Man, it's all like MAXIMUM BALONEY in here!